My Valentine

Today I was walking through Wal-mart and I knew that I needed to get Saharh a Valentine's present. It was a wonderful moment in which, I knew I wanted to get her something because it was important to me to express love for her. Being analytical, I started to get tripped up by some common fears. "What if I chose something she didn't like?" "What if she would be upset because of the gift's impact, no matter how miminal, on our budget?" "What if...what if...what if?!"

I defeated myself in the argument however, because I was determined to get her something. I through my fear of her reaction away, and put my trust in Jesus. I could hear the Spirit saying, "it will be good." I wandered over to the flowers, and was a little discouraged from roses. Roses have become a little too common a gift for Valentine's, however still appropriate from time to time. I venture to say that I will most likely purchase them as a gift for this holiday again. However, this year would not be one of this years. I looked a little to the left of the roses and there were some orchids in pink pots. Saharh's had a thing for pink recently and the orchids had a unique nature to them that I thought might appeal to her.

I carried the flower, along with some groceries, through the snow...yes, it is snowing here...to the van. I protected the flower on the drive home and quickly got into the house. I put everything down and picked up the flower, listening for where Saharh was at the time of my entry. I braced myself, and began walking toward the kitchen. I say that I braced myself, because I invest a certain amount of hope into everything I give her. I simply hope she likes it.

The look on her face was brilliant. She expressed so much surprise and happiness at the sight of the orchid, that I was shocked by how much she liked it. I gave her a kiss, wished her a happy valentine's and went to get out of my work clothes. As I walked back down the hallway, I said, "thank You Jesus"...and I am certain that I heard in return, "I love you, son."

Surreal

So at Blue Cross we've been working on a single project for the last six months. We're coming to the final weekends and it seems as though I should have my nose to the grindstone. I feel as though I should be plowing away at each task on our checklist...and the ones that aren't on the checklist. However, today feels as though the project was already over and we're winding down. But I know better. I know we're not finished and that the real work has only just begun. I guess there are some parallels with the rest of life in this moment.

Sometimes when a really difficult series of events comes over me, I brace myself, pray and become very disciplined. I am charged and adamant in these moments, allowing very little to get in my way. At some point, this charge and adrenaline rush dwindles and it is usually about the same time there is a lull in the feelings of the trial. Though the trial has not passed, and the goal has not been reached, there is just enough feeling of accomplishment in these moments to give one a false sense of security. As soon as I close my eyes and allow myself to be coerced into the draw of these feelings, days have gone by and I wake up seeing the finish line is not behind me, but in front. This almost unexpected realization is accompanied by many others and I realize that the task was not yet done. I guess this is why Paul emphasized forgetting what is behind and pressing on.

I know that today and tomorrow are those days. They have good qualities because they provide rest, but the rest can't be abused. I know that tomorrow I must press on.

Lord have mercy on us for how much we don't understand. When everything is dwindled down to the roots, I still have much to learn. I agree with David when he asked why You bother to even to think of us. I see that it means You love us very much. More than we have ever known or seen of love before. I will not forget.

Media Fast Day 8

Well we've made it to week 2, Lord. I have to admit, the fast has been good. Learning to live with less noise has gone against many natural impulses, but has satisfied more than expected. I see that each time I reach for the tv or other form of media, I'm not really allowing myself to slow down. I'm just cluttering up my life with more stress when I run to the tv for companionship and adventure.

Granted the fast hasn't rescued me from the real struggles we face. It wouldn't have been foolish to believe the opposite should've happened. Today was filled with stories of co-workers that have fallen very ill and Saharh had some pretty rough encounters at work. I understand a little more of what it means to feel powerless and honestly, how it feels when uncertainty about the power of prayer goes through my head. Jon is having a heart procedure done tomorrow and as usual, I felt the impression to pray for him. I'm embarrassed to pray in front of co-workers. Lots of different concerns enter my mind when I realize the Spirit is prompting me to intercede. I don't want to sound stupid, I don't want to look like a hypocrite and most of all, I don't want the prayer to fall on deaf ears because I'm feeling all of those things. Do You understand when that happens, Lord? Would You still receive the prayer, even though it's a battle for me to get the words out? I like to think so, but what do You think?

Saharh and I are still growing together. I met with Sandy today for the first time since my last counseling session with her. Sandy says that I'm co-dependent of Saharh. John Eldridge says I am. He says that I seem to get confirmation as to whether or not I've got what it takes to be a man, from Saharh. I think they're right. I want to be free of this co-dependency, but I have a feeling it will take some time. The prospect of being emotionaly honest with her, but not brutally honest, is a fine line. I'm fearful, but I believe these statements are true so I trust You to bring about the change needed. I'm a little concerned about the next Waltz lesson, but I don't want to quit going. I like the thought of dancing with Saharh and maybe the Waltz lessons are a good parallel of our marriage. Perhaps as we learn to glide across the floor, we'll learn to walk together in this life.

Thank You Jesus for Your goodness to me. Thank You for being so patient and for bringing about the change that brings life. As a Scripture I read on Sunday said, we long to exchange the mortal for what brings life.

Back home...

We're back home from a weekend with the parents. We got to have visits with both sets and the time was well spent. Even though Saharh and I are not watching tv, we still got regular updates for the national championship from my mother of all folks. :) My thanks to both sets of parents for helping us keep to our fast. I know that not watching tv is not always an easy thing to give up.

Congratulations to Alabama. I can't say I'm thrilled but they represented the state and the SEC well from what I hear. I know it means I'll have to put up with a bunch of talk from co-workers but I suppose that's part of being a fan.

Tomorrow I get to jump back on the FileNet migration train again. Praying for wisdom on going to Missouri to see Saharh's grandmother. Good night all!