There is a distinction...

...between sin and the sinner.  If there weren't, how could God love one and hate the other.  Today I was reading Spurgeon's Morning & Evening and he wrote about the ferocity of Christ's hatred for sin.  This quote in particular caught my attention:

"As warm as is His love to sinners, so hot is His hatred of sin; as perfect as is His righteousness, so complete shall be the destruction of every form of wickedness."

"As warm as is His love to sinners..."  This phrase bears such a fantastic paradox.  When I think of God's wrath, particularly in the Old Testament, I am often overwhelmed with the more blunt aspects of justice in the Kingdom of God.  And yet, Christ demonstrated this while we were still sinners...subjects of such wrath...by dying for us.  Some question His divinity but keep in mind that this man willing allowed himself to be placed on the cross to make atonement for us.  Oh, the ferocity of His love for us.

Yesterday I read some particularly hurtful, spiteful things in a discussion forum.  I was perplexed at the shear hatred being expressed by one particular individual and I was even more so discouraged because it was being expressed by someone who allowed us to infer that he followed Christ.  This man wasn't expressing hatred of sin, he was expressing hatred of people.  Another of Spurgeon's quotes about Jesus today seemed an appropriate antidote:

"He hated it (sin) in others; none the less fervently because He showed His hate oftener in tears of pity than in words of rebuke"  Oh yes, Jesus did rebuke.  But he often wept because of the captivity he found in all of us.  We were, after all, slaves to sin and he mourned that slavery when he saw it expressed.  This reminds me that when I see such depravity in others, I must bear in mind a few things.

1 - But for the grace of God, that same depravity can rule me.
2 - The heart of God for all of us is filled with more love than I could ever understand.

So, when I see the world going the way it goes when we don't seek His Kingdom, I will cling to these truths.  Jesus loves me...and others...this, I know.

My Valentine

Today I was walking through Wal-mart and I knew that I needed to get Saharh a Valentine's present. It was a wonderful moment in which, I knew I wanted to get her something because it was important to me to express love for her. Being analytical, I started to get tripped up by some common fears. "What if I chose something she didn't like?" "What if she would be upset because of the gift's impact, no matter how miminal, on our budget?" "What if...what if...what if?!"

I defeated myself in the argument however, because I was determined to get her something. I through my fear of her reaction away, and put my trust in Jesus. I could hear the Spirit saying, "it will be good." I wandered over to the flowers, and was a little discouraged from roses. Roses have become a little too common a gift for Valentine's, however still appropriate from time to time. I venture to say that I will most likely purchase them as a gift for this holiday again. However, this year would not be one of this years. I looked a little to the left of the roses and there were some orchids in pink pots. Saharh's had a thing for pink recently and the orchids had a unique nature to them that I thought might appeal to her.

I carried the flower, along with some groceries, through the snow...yes, it is snowing here...to the van. I protected the flower on the drive home and quickly got into the house. I put everything down and picked up the flower, listening for where Saharh was at the time of my entry. I braced myself, and began walking toward the kitchen. I say that I braced myself, because I invest a certain amount of hope into everything I give her. I simply hope she likes it.

The look on her face was brilliant. She expressed so much surprise and happiness at the sight of the orchid, that I was shocked by how much she liked it. I gave her a kiss, wished her a happy valentine's and went to get out of my work clothes. As I walked back down the hallway, I said, "thank You Jesus"...and I am certain that I heard in return, "I love you, son."

Surreal

So at Blue Cross we've been working on a single project for the last six months. We're coming to the final weekends and it seems as though I should have my nose to the grindstone. I feel as though I should be plowing away at each task on our checklist...and the ones that aren't on the checklist. However, today feels as though the project was already over and we're winding down. But I know better. I know we're not finished and that the real work has only just begun. I guess there are some parallels with the rest of life in this moment.

Sometimes when a really difficult series of events comes over me, I brace myself, pray and become very disciplined. I am charged and adamant in these moments, allowing very little to get in my way. At some point, this charge and adrenaline rush dwindles and it is usually about the same time there is a lull in the feelings of the trial. Though the trial has not passed, and the goal has not been reached, there is just enough feeling of accomplishment in these moments to give one a false sense of security. As soon as I close my eyes and allow myself to be coerced into the draw of these feelings, days have gone by and I wake up seeing the finish line is not behind me, but in front. This almost unexpected realization is accompanied by many others and I realize that the task was not yet done. I guess this is why Paul emphasized forgetting what is behind and pressing on.

I know that today and tomorrow are those days. They have good qualities because they provide rest, but the rest can't be abused. I know that tomorrow I must press on.

Lord have mercy on us for how much we don't understand. When everything is dwindled down to the roots, I still have much to learn. I agree with David when he asked why You bother to even to think of us. I see that it means You love us very much. More than we have ever known or seen of love before. I will not forget.

Media Fast Day 8

Well we've made it to week 2, Lord. I have to admit, the fast has been good. Learning to live with less noise has gone against many natural impulses, but has satisfied more than expected. I see that each time I reach for the tv or other form of media, I'm not really allowing myself to slow down. I'm just cluttering up my life with more stress when I run to the tv for companionship and adventure.

Granted the fast hasn't rescued me from the real struggles we face. It wouldn't have been foolish to believe the opposite should've happened. Today was filled with stories of co-workers that have fallen very ill and Saharh had some pretty rough encounters at work. I understand a little more of what it means to feel powerless and honestly, how it feels when uncertainty about the power of prayer goes through my head. Jon is having a heart procedure done tomorrow and as usual, I felt the impression to pray for him. I'm embarrassed to pray in front of co-workers. Lots of different concerns enter my mind when I realize the Spirit is prompting me to intercede. I don't want to sound stupid, I don't want to look like a hypocrite and most of all, I don't want the prayer to fall on deaf ears because I'm feeling all of those things. Do You understand when that happens, Lord? Would You still receive the prayer, even though it's a battle for me to get the words out? I like to think so, but what do You think?

Saharh and I are still growing together. I met with Sandy today for the first time since my last counseling session with her. Sandy says that I'm co-dependent of Saharh. John Eldridge says I am. He says that I seem to get confirmation as to whether or not I've got what it takes to be a man, from Saharh. I think they're right. I want to be free of this co-dependency, but I have a feeling it will take some time. The prospect of being emotionaly honest with her, but not brutally honest, is a fine line. I'm fearful, but I believe these statements are true so I trust You to bring about the change needed. I'm a little concerned about the next Waltz lesson, but I don't want to quit going. I like the thought of dancing with Saharh and maybe the Waltz lessons are a good parallel of our marriage. Perhaps as we learn to glide across the floor, we'll learn to walk together in this life.

Thank You Jesus for Your goodness to me. Thank You for being so patient and for bringing about the change that brings life. As a Scripture I read on Sunday said, we long to exchange the mortal for what brings life.

Back home...

We're back home from a weekend with the parents. We got to have visits with both sets and the time was well spent. Even though Saharh and I are not watching tv, we still got regular updates for the national championship from my mother of all folks. :) My thanks to both sets of parents for helping us keep to our fast. I know that not watching tv is not always an easy thing to give up.

Congratulations to Alabama. I can't say I'm thrilled but they represented the state and the SEC well from what I hear. I know it means I'll have to put up with a bunch of talk from co-workers but I suppose that's part of being a fan.

Tomorrow I get to jump back on the FileNet migration train again. Praying for wisdom on going to Missouri to see Saharh's grandmother. Good night all!

Signs of Hope

Today is the day after Christmas day, but it had all the characteristics of it's predecessor. We exchanged gifts with Saharh's parents and Suphia, her younger sister. We cooked a big Christmas dinner in which I also experimented with Ranch dressing and Dale's combinations. I'd heard of others that had tried this combination and it had paid off for them. The flavorful duo paid off for my three-piece chicken-leg trial as well. I'm excited to make more of them for another occasion.



However, those things aren't the only signs of hope I've seen for a redeemed Christmas holiday. Saharh and I have grown closer in the few hours since a fairly painful Christmas eve. Today was one just the second day since that conversation and even though I know everything isn't better, I know that God is working in me. I've made some changes in my life, mainly in the area of hobbies. Gaming, which has been a large part of my life since I was thirteen years old, is being put on the shelf. While it is true that the entertainment medium has been a challenege for Saharh and I, I've also felt an almost nagging pull away from the hobby. Perhaps it is the Lord trying to show me something better. Perhaps it is the fact that I simply don't have time to invest in simulated adventures the way I could when I was in school. Perhaps I've let it replace a depth that is missing in many of my relationships. Whatever the case, I'm sure that all of those things are a part of God's Sovereign will, and if that is so, then it must clearly be time to set "play time" aside.



I admit, it's a challenging adjustment. It is strange now to realize that everytime I found myself with $50 of extra cash, my first reaction would be to look at which games I could purchase. The impulses toward gaming that I'm seeing more frequently are a little alarming in their similarity to addictive impluses.



But as I was saying, these changes and what I can only describe as a working of the Holy Spirit, have made these last two days nothing short of wonderful. Wonderful isn't even the right word, really. There is a sense of life in the past couple of days. Almost a sense of freedom and release. For lack of a better way to put this state of mind, I would have to say that I feel content and lively. I know that these days do not mark a complete erasure of the damages that I've done. The consequences will, I expect, continue to reveal themself often in the future. When they do, I must be prepared...quickened to patience and gentleness when it comes to my responses to both God and my wife. Jesus, please grant me the grace. Thank You so much for the last two days. Thank You so much for the promise of Jeremiah 29. Thank You.

Brute Beast

Psalm 73:21-22

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,

I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.



In this verse, David had been tempted to envy the propserity of the wicked. He even said that his efforts at living a holy life had felt pointless when he was embittered. It's strange to hear someone describe a longing or a desire that produces grieving, ignorance, and animalic behavior. Usually when I think of hoping or wishing for something, it is accompanied with excitement or joy. However, in David's case...as in my own...he was angry and full of self-pity.



It's easy to praise God and to speak fondly of Him when things seem to fall into place for me. I talk about His grace and His forgiveness...but now I see yet another glimpse of how much I desperately need a Savior. The more and more circumstances haven't gone my way, the more I've become like a brute beast before the Lord...and before my family...before my wife. I'm instinctively proned to quick fixes and doing just enough to stay out of trouble. This isn't the first time I've seen this in myself. I can't keep track of how many times anymore and I'm beginning to lose hope for myself.



My only hope is that David said his 'foot had almost slipped' and that the Lord was 'always with him'. Even though David almost slipped and gave himself over completely to his temptations, the Lord held him with His right hand. I'm putting my hope in that now.

Others

I think that God is making a point about prejudices today. While at work, a few of my teammates allowed some misgivings they had between each other to bear fruit of a less than healthy nature in front of our customers. The customer told me about this display and wanted to know what was so terrible that a question, which many of us could've answered in two minutes, had to erupt into a runaround of emails sending our customer to and fro throughout the members of our team. My first thought was to inform our manager that we have a problem within our team and that it has to do, mostly, with our obsession regarding what other team members are/are not doing. While speaking with other teammates about what I had determined to be a very drastic situation that needed to be addressed quickly...I realised just how much I was included in the problem. I was so pre-occupied with the actions of others, that I spent almost forty-five minutes talking about it, instead of doing my job.

While on the drive home, I started listening to the radio and heard some rowdy banter between a sports talk-show host and a local caller. After that conversation, I could only think about how much I disfavored the caller's attitude and what kind of stern lectures I could give him were I given the opportunity and were he silent enough to listen to it. Of course that would never happen and it all really didn't matter in any schemes of any significance. Once again, I was very much occupied with the actions, opinions, and prejudices of others. I was so pre-occupied I forgot a couple of the errands I needed to run while away from the house. Once again, my pre-occupation with the less attractive aspects of other people were given more priority than things that actually mattered!

When I arrived home, I realized how much I missed being with Jesus and how much I needed to hear his voice. The cares and concerns of so many insignificant matters occupied my mind from every front and I could not concentrate on things that were holy, pure, and good. I needed to see the Lord. While thinking about Jesus, it seemed obvious to note that he never seemed frantic about the actions of others. He knew they couldn't do anything without God's authority. He only did what He observed the Father doing. So the question could be asked,"What is God doing when He allows people to behave in ways that frustrate us?" Is God allowing those things so that we can become pre-occupied to the point of forgetting our responsibilities? Would God allow these circumstances to occur so as to misdirect me from things that I know He expects me to do? It is pretty clear that these distractions are not being allowed to occur so that I can dwell on what I feel is wrong with other people. To the contrary, it appears as though He's allowing these things to happen so that He can destroy my prejudices. I read Utmost today and the author states that obsession with the prejudices of others is a part of our old life. That is, our life prior to trusting Jesus and being born again. The new life should never be consumed with the prejudices of others and our energy should not be devoted to the being another's conscience, parent or boss. When we become focused on the prejudices of others, we develop prejudices of our own and Chambers stresses that God doesn't want the old life to remain in any of us. He's working to remove all fragments of the old man from all of us.

When we look at the things God has given us to do for the day, we can't spend that day wondering what He is going to do to correct the actions of other people or daydreaming about how we would correct them ourselves. Jesus told Peter, "What is to you? You follow me." As John Piper expresses, this is a blunt and liberating statement. Piper calls this obsession with others a depressing slavery that is ultimately fatal. Lord, I repent of my obsession with the actions and behaviors of others. I see that you are using those things to break me of this obsession and I'm asking for you to help me see when I'm slipping again into a mind trying to thrive off the cirumstances around me. I surrender. Thanks for being unchanging and so quick to bring Your word into my life. I love Your faithfulness and I trust You.

Joshua